Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
