no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
