i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
