pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
