its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
