She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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