You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
