Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
