If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Randomize
