Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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