Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
