im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
