i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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