I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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