We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
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