I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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