i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
