I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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