I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
