I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
