When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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