Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I have feelings that need drinking.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
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