mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I could make wine with my vomit
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
