I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
