nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
