I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
