I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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