I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
