It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
