Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i may or may not be watching the land before time
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
