I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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