i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
