i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
