went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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