the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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