Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
