How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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