threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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