and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
