We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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