this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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