Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
