Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
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