Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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