A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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