every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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