It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
