I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
