i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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