so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
